Adventures in Youth Ministry

Dealing With Conflict

July 16, 2010

So this post is a bit of a felt need, especially in our group with some summer drama developing. I hope it can be useful to everyone.

Here is what I’ve been seeing over the last 3 weeks or so:

1. Friends A and B disagree over something
2. Friend A posts a passive-aggressive “you-know-who-you-are” Facebook status that spills their emotions, but is vague about what the subject matter is. E.G.: “I wish that a certain someone knew how stupid they are being and that our friendship will be over if they don’t change!”
3. Friend B retaliates in the same passive-aggressive manner: “If only the world knew what I am dealing with right now, all people need to do is walk in my shoes to understand my decisions!”
4. An actual fight breaks out, usually in public. E.g.: Pastor Terrin is sitting at her favorite Starbucks and overhears people she knows saying words that would deserve about 150 push ups in the church.
5. Terrin and Lindsay do some digging and messaging on Facebook and uncover what is really happening
6. Terrin and Lindsay decide it’s time to intervene
7. A meeting takes place and we discover that it was all a miscommunication and a friendship almost ended over practically nothing.

So here is a little how-to for those of you out there that are dealing with conflict.

You see, Jesus was very strategic to help solve these problems (ones that especially seem to cause drama amongst teenage girls and those who have the emotional intelligence of a teenage girl). If we follow it to the letter and approach the situation with love, a desire to reconcile and humility, a lot of trouble can be avoided!

Let’s look at some scripture:

If a fellow believer hurts you, go and tell him—work it out between the two of you. If he listens, you’ve made a friend. If he won’t listen, take one or two others along so that the presence of witnesses will keep things honest, and try again. If he still won’t listen, tell the church. If he won’t listen to the church, you’ll have to start over from scratch, confront him with the need for repentance, and offer again God’s forgiving love.

(Matthew 18:15-17 MSG)

Clearly, Jesus gives us some steps if we are experiencing conflict:

1. If you are hurt, TELL THE PERSON. Other versions of scripture, like the NASB tell us to do this PRIVATELY. So, that means, no passive-aggressive “you-know-what-you-did” statuses on Facebook. I mean seriously. What does this accomplish? It makes you feel good to have a mysterious status that the person could possibly figure out if they read it, but might have some doubt as to whom it is about? Jesus is very clear about this, go and tell them and work it out privately! In 90% of cases, this will resolve your conflict. You two will share your emotions, cry, hug, forgive each other, and then be even closer than ever!
2. If, for some bizzare reason step one does not work out for you, Jesus even has a solution for that! If the whole one-on-one thing doesn’t work out, bring a friend or two into the situation (Terrin and Lindsay are trained professionals! They make great mediators, as do other youth workers here!). Have them come and help you resolve the conflict. I would say that if you have to resort to this, chances are mediation will work for you!
3. If mediation doesn’t work, bring it to the church. My guess is that this will probably happen once in the next ten years. Conflict is resolvable. But there are rare instances where we need to get our senior pastor and board involved. If this needs to happen, come talk to me first.

So there you have it. Jesus puts it out there, plain and simple. If I see any more passive-aggressive comments on Facebook, you’ll be getting a link to this post and likely a stern talking-to from yours truly! Have a great day!

Terrin

Filed under: personal development

Tags: biblical conflict, conflict, conflict resolution, drama, fight, teenagers, youth ministry

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